My resolve shaken?

I have to admit it's been a bit of a rough week, my confidence was shot down with recent events and lately I have been kinda stuck in my room with the exception of occasionally going out.

I am out of the competition.

However I have decided to continue blogging as soon as I was able to type on something larger than my phone when I receive Internet and such again.

I think I joined this competition to prove to others that I could be a star...and that was the problem, to begin with the mindset that I must do this because others will think less of me if I don't.

So I have become dried out and I don't really have much left to offer....and that is not to say that I am not talented in the least...because through joining this challenge I have realized how talented I am.

....I am really talented and I don't care how this statement is read because it is something I have realized.

The problem with me is that my drive is not there anymore, I do it because I love it is awesome to say and it's a true statement..... But the battery powering my art and will to do it is completely used up.

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just go to a Duane Reade or Radio Shack and pick up some more batteries to renew our drive for dancing, singing, acting, drawing...living.


I can't remember why I did my art.
An elder man came up to me whom I knew through teaching his wife at my job and he told me that we (including himself because he is a musician) don't do our art because we "want" too, we do our art because we "need" too.... 

It's the same as eating and breathing without it we will literally die.

It made me think of all the people I have met that have just let go of being an artist and moved on to a more practical way of living and although they were upset about letting go at first they eventually move on.

I cant let go.

I literally can't let go, and I have tried, I have decided multiple times that I will no longer do this that I will just settle down at a job that will pay my bills and allow me to live comfortably.

But I always came back.

If I stop one form of art my mind finds another way of expressing it, trading dance for singing, singing for drawing, drawing for acting and so on.

If I decide to be stubborn and not do any of those Things I get a splitting headache and usually have to just stay in bed, bright lights disturb me, so the room usually has to be dark and I sleep...I just sleep until the headache goes away ( which it doesn't) and when I finally feel like I am going to explode and I start to dance or sing or draw or make funny sounds and faces i feel better, my headache is gone and then the wave off guilt comes on to remind me that I told myself I wouldn't do this anymore.

So artist suffer when they are not doing their art, and I just so happen to be capable of doing more than one art form.

I am not asking for help, because before I thought something or someone would help me snap out of this confusion on the outside....like in the movies when they get that pep talk after they have hit rock bottom and suddenly show a montage of them working really hard and realizing their dream.....

I have been waiting for that pep talk without really looking inside and finding out what has been really blocking my drive...my will...my true happiness

So I don't feel like typing anymore and I need to get out of bed...

So until tomorrow ....I will be continued.