Day 12 in The Vocal Life of Khalyle Jones

Practice:

My Practice this morning was the bare minimum : 30min

I dd what I could to warm up my voice with my disc, but probably destroyed it whilst in s shouting match with my mom.

Song I practiced- "Smile" Nat King Cole.....Regardless of what may be happening I still have to walk onto that stage of life with a smile.

My Debate in Leaving this Challenge

This morning has been extremely stressful and because of this morning I questioned the likely-hood of me completing this challenge, I have spent the majority of my time and life thinking about someone else, worrying about someone else, Caring for someone else.... and this morning the person that I believed (or wanted to believe) appreciated the sacrifice made...made it seem like I am worthless and lower than dirt.

I have an autistic little brother, of which i have spent almost my entire life participating in caring for and my mother has been living with his disability since the day he was born (naturally)....for those of you who may not know, autism is a Developmental disorder that appears within the first three years of childhood, this disorder affects the development of social skills and communication skills in the brain...

In easier terms He is unable to understand facial expressions that go past basic extremes such as happy sad and angry (no middle ground) He is also unable to understand change ( i would assume it is scary too him because to him everything has its place and order) also he cannot hold a conversation without being lead into one, he will usually repeat what was said to him, to express that he may want it, followed by yes or no ( although there are many cases where "yes" means "no" and "no" means "yes", He very often uses phrases that are unrelated to how he is feeling to describe how he is feeling....The list goes on

It has been a little under 20yrs of working with him and with my mother as well as doing anything I can to help take the as much as I can manage off of my mothers load. There is never a moment that I am not thinking of him and there is never a moment I am not worried about my mom (because it is not a picnic)

Now you may be thinking, "I understand I have a cousin, or a friends, or I have babysat and autistic child."

You don't understand and you never will truly understand unless you have experienced it everyday of your life...So please if you ever run into a person with an autistic child DO NOT say "I understand" I hate it personally because i know you don't.  I say this because when you have  an autistic cousin or you babysit an autistic child your not required to be there for that child from 4:30am -whenever he decides to sleep for everyday of your life.....You can leave because you are not obligated to stay. (and you get paid  its your job usually)

I am at my wits end to be woken up at 3:45 in the morning and then by 5:30am already have dealt with a tantrum and by 6:00am to have a horrible argument with my mother that resulted in very hurtful words being thrown at each other because of the stress-load of life with Michael (autistic brothers name, I was really incredibly pissed off at him this morning and couldn't even say his name)

There comes a point in your life where you have  to ask yourself...If I am  in a very difficult situation in life, should I live with it and rise above it or should I choose not to live with it.

yes there is a difference

When you choose to live with something you have come to the realization that you cannot change it, Like if you lose a leg or  you are blind, you live with it and make the best of it. I have seen amazing people do these things and they have been my inspiration 

Stevie Wonder

The most inspirational ballet ever seen!

OR 

I could choose not to live with it at all, I have given up so many opportunities because I have always put my mother and himself first in my mind because I honestly believe that he is going to be the death of her. 

and I have yet to see a day where my mom could just relax and be comfortable....and I am starting to think she doesn't want to be comfortable, its as if she liked being on edge all of the time.

but this morning was a morning that made me consider leaving this and pursuing my dreams, I want to be able to live without thinking of what could happen to him...is that selfish. It feels that way but I am going to literally kill myself if I don't get away.

My mind is always busy and life right now is extremely restricted and I feel caged. trapped by circumstance and chained by guilt. why guilt? Guilt.. because every time i have a good time or I feel really close to making my dreams come true i think about my mom and I wonder if I get a gig how will i be around if one of my brothers episodes are too much for my mom to handle....and lastly what about my moms dreams.

Until today I have always thought it wrong to want to leave the responsibility to my mother alone, I was thinking this morning as i stormed out in tears, why don't I just LEAVE!

and I sat at the train station contemplating life and said I think this is the decision I have to make, this is what i have been allowing to halt progress for so long. I need to leave and I need to live my life or I will become a really bitter old man in the future...and if I ever have an autistic child of my own I don't ever want to feel this way towards him/her (although I am highly reconsidering having children now)....

I was growing to resent my little brother, the little brother I would throw my life on the line for, the little brother that I used to follow around my highschool to make sure people didn't pick on him or make fun of him like they did to many of the other disabled kids that came before him. I don't want to hate him, and I never ever thought I would get to the point that I would feel like sending him away to a home...I used to say that i would have to die before that happened.

I think its time for me  to leave, so that I could explore a life without Michael...I thought before michael My mother got to experience 29 years of life without him....I think  I would like to have some time away to refresh.

If I don't leave I shouldn't even bother continuing this challenge because as long as I am still putting my brother before me I will never succeed in my art...so I think its time for me to live, my own Life so that I could truly experience my art as well as find and learn more about me that I may have been missing.

I will make the decision at the end of today. TO either follow my dreams or to give it all up and just take a full-time job and take care of my brother....whatever decision it is, at least it will be my own to make.